Transformers 3 So Stole My Blog Name

Don’t you think I ought to sue someone ? The last thing I want is to be associated with a Bay movie, even though I do enjoy watching them on occasions, especially the scenes with Shia LaBeouf. Still, I should be outrageous. Unless they get Shia to personally send me an apology or something. Yea that’d be good, in fact that’d be really good …

For The Ones Who Are Far Away

Another case of falling for someone where you know that is probably not going anywhere, but like the moth flying towards the fire, I instinctively fell for a possibility that I thought would lead me to love.

Thinking back on it, I realise more and more that my incessant need for love is perhaps due to that I have a mental condition of being emotional dependence on a very specific person, and it didn’t get better when my first relationship was somewhat of a beginner’s lesson on crash and burn. As much as I thought I’ve moved on and am strong enough to be on my own, I found myself crying when there’s no one around. Crying every time I recalled of the time when I thought I had love.

Can’t believe after so many years on this blog, I’m still writing back the same old boring stuff of looking for love. After everything that I’ve been through, it’s as if I’ve walked in circles, I am now back at right where I started, perhaps quite a bit poorer even. How did this happen?

I feel like I’m wasting my youth solving a problem that is potentially unsolvable before I get too old, like 50 years old or something, perhaps then I’d have gotten so jaded I’d stop having the urge to find love.

I just started watching the new HBO series “Game of Thrones”, a very incredibly beautiful show with strong casts and heavy adult/gritty taste (lots of fucking, bare naked, and beheading scenes, how much more adult can one get right?). There was a line from the show that goes, “Life is full of possibilities, where death is so finite”. True in every sense, as long as I am alive, I shall promise myself to be ever hopeful because of the possibilities that life offers. And when it comes to love, I will keep on holding onto that hope, that someday, a miracle does happen, that I will find that one person who will love me for who I am, and be not afraid to say to me that he loves me, and I too, can finally mutter those three words, and not be afraid to sound like a fool.

Family

I come from a rather typical conservative Chinese family.

Dad and mom love me and my brother in many ways, and have tried their best to provide us whatever material comfort they could afford. Love was never explicitly expressed, and was instead often awkward and under heavy pretense.

Growing up in the family seem rather normal, except that my mom and dad fight ever since I could remember anything, and I haven’t really been close with my brother since high school. As small a family as ours is, we were never close knit.

Over the years, I began to feel a certain void in me, a certain hunger that I needed to fill, and have since tried to fill throughout my early adult life in various ways.

Finding a boyfriend was one of the first thing I wanted to do ever since I watched the many Hollywood films and TV shows, because they made me believe that this person would magically bring love into my life and make me feel fulfilled. And hence tried and failed I did, only to learn that true love is really something that is not borne merely by chance nor will, but rather … a bit of both, and that the process of looking for one can sometimes be more damaging than constructive for my own good.

All the love I wanted to give and to receive back to fill the void, had been the driving force behind my incessant pursue of this person called ‘boyfriend’.

Failing in finding a boyfriend, sex was often the unfortunate substitute. Just because it was always more immediately available and offered a temporal sense of acceptance and physical contact. But I always discover in the end, that the stigmata which carried along with it only gotten me more suffering and unhappiness.

When I finally got into my first relationship, I felt like the luckiest person on Earth. So much so that I gave it everything that I had, even things that I didn’t have, to make sure I’d never lose it.

Eventhough in the end it didn’t work out, and that I probably got myself broken in ways I didn’t know I could, I did come very close to having the void filled at some point.

These days I still regard ‘O’ (and our dear female cat) as my only family in Singapore, despite the fact that I have an uncle who lives here. And ‘O’ hasn’t done anything to prove otherwise, he knows more things about me than even my own family, and he still cares for me.

I do not regret having met him, because if nothing else, I always thought that the family I made with him and our cat is the greatest accomplishment I have since I’ve arrived in Singapore.

But I can only hope, that perhaps someday, I will be able to build a real family that I can call my own – a boyfriend (or better, a husband) and a child (be it a pet or a real children).

And perhaps then, the void would be filled for good.

The 5 Seconds of Euphoria

So you met someone for a drink.

You chatted a lot of things over the course of the drink.

From time to time, you stole glances at his eyes.

Until suddenly, your eyes caught his.

And then your heart started beating faster and faster, with your eyes locked onto those bright, soulful eyes that seem to whisper a thousand million things to you at the same time.

That 5 seconds lasted like an eternity, because it felt so good to be able to look into another person’s eyes without being shy, intimidated, or fear of being rejected.

And then it was over.

And you were able to think logically again as you built back up your barrier, and started to wonder, was that all you’d ever get? Would that 5 seconds be the closest thing to intimacy that you’d ever get from this person whom you just met?

I don’t know about others, but I do know I’d know when I meet someone that I really do like, it’s when I meet that someone who can give me this 5 seconds of unlimited possibilities.

The Sex Supremacist

It has been nine months since I last wrote something here, during which period I’ve been slowly transitioning into my second phase of life in Singapore.

The change has been long foreseen, but it took its time to take its course, because I was in love with someone who was also very in love with me. But I guess in the end we realized love is really not everything, there are some things in life that are worth giving up love for – true happiness.

Love is a brutal creature, somewhere somehow sometime there will be hurt done to someone, and from it comes pain. We can’t avoid love, as much as we can avoid the pain, it’s how we deal with them that makes all the difference.

There is no denying that there are still a lot of love and pain in me, despite the fact that we’ve separated for almost 3 months. Days go by easier when I don’t think about the things that I’ve lost – the love of my life, my first cat, my first home that I called my own, our crazy adventures together. All these, I’ve begun to learn to keep them dormant in a corner of my mind, trying my best to prevent myself from re-visiting them, especially during the moments of intense loneliness, which I have the tendency to get from my introvert nature.

Abandonment is a strong word, but that is often the feeling that I felt. I haven’t cried as much since the separation, but recently certain events triggered the feeling of abandonment, and like an opened floodgate, all the emotion laden memories came rushing back. And I’d inevitably find my eyes rolling with tears.

Yet, not everything is lost. The 2 years of relationship taught me a lot of things, I learned the many facets of love, the virtues of being together, and human nature. Even though I realized in the end that there are some things about myself that I just couldn’t change despite of being wiser, acknowledgement is always the first step. I remember something that I’ve said a few years ago before I was in my first relationship, “Don’t let a relationship become a cage”, and ironically enough, it was exactly what happened – I caged myself, along with the one person who I’ve loved more than myself. Love was supposed to set us free, not the other way round.

So in a way, we uncaged ourselves by separating, but the love and experiences that existed between us will always be there forming the invisible bond. I have to admit, there is a fresh air of freedom returning to singlehood, but it also reminded me of the many miserable years of singlehood that I’ve had before the relationship. Perhaps now that I’m (supposedly) wiser it’d be different, or perhaps it’d be just another case of same shit, just different place and time, lol.

I’ve never really had experience dating in Singapore since I went straight into a relationship when I moved here 2 years ago. But now that I’ve been through a few months of trying, I realized that there can be many opportunities here if you look hard enough, but perhaps even more importantly, if you yourself look the part enough as well. There are too many guys here with great body and looks, so much so that if you’re not up to the average standard, it can be difficult to get any notice, especially if you only go after caucasians, who are far less in number than the locals, and hence has much more options. I think in average they get 10 times more messages on any online dating sites than what I’d ever get, so often I have to ask myself what makes me special compared to the rest of the flock who look tanner, fitter and cuter than me?

What easier way to do your picking among the sea of options than to base on the obvious physical sex appeal? Who cares what you like or dislike, what shit you have been going through in your life, or what aspirations you have? As long as you know how to be hot and play the raunchy part well, you get yourself a date.

Don’t get me wrong, I love good sex as much as the next guy, but what happened to good old chats over drinks? Movie dates? I’m afraid all these have become the latest sacrifice to the new age speed dating, where sex is the main meat, and the rest are all but side dressing. When have we all become sex supremacists?

And I Will Always Love You

“I broke up with my boyfriend of 10 years at the end of last year.”

“Why did you break up?”

“It sounds a bit silly, because as much as we love each other even until now, apparently we just don’t fit with each other, despite numerous trips to the counseling sessions and trying many things to rescue our relationship. I am the type who doesn’t mind the occasional sex with strangers as long as it is just sex and there are no feelings attached, and that love is only exclusive for both of us, but he was the type who can love more than one person at the same time. Throughout our 10 years relationship, he had 7 affairs, each lasting around 6 months or more.”

“So what finally triggered the final breakup after all these 10 years?”

“It was one week before Christmas, he was out of the country for work as usual. He promised me that he’ll be back on Saturday to do Christmas shopping with me. But on Saturday, he gave me a call to say that he couldn’t make it home because he missed the train and he’ll try to catch the train on Sunday. I was skeptical about his excuse, but I told myself to believe him because he has always been truthful to the point of even telling me about his previous affairs. But then Sunday came, he gave me another call to tell me that he missed the train again. I asked him if he was with someone, he said no. I dialed the number of his affair number 7 with my second phone while we were still on the line, and there over the phone I heard the ring of his affair’s phone. My heart broke like never before, I told him, ‘Stay there as long as you wish, because by the time you’re back, I’ll be gone.’ The next day I went to look for a room to rent. Found one shortly, put my name on the contract, and by Christmas day I had moved out and was single again for the first time after 10 years.”

“Do you think you had more happy times than sad times throughout these 10 years?”

“I’ve always been thinking about this question.. whenever he was with me, everything was really great – the living together, the trips, the sex, the companionship, the mutual understanding without words, the oneness.. we matched so perfectly together, as if we were one person. But when he was away, I was totally alone and miserable, I didn’t know if he was alone or with someone else. If you were to ask me whether I regretted spending these 10 years with him, I’d say no, because as much as I’ve suffered, I also had a lot of wonderful moments, which I wouldn’t have traded with anything else.”

“Since the breakup, do you think you became a happier person?”

“Well.. I stopped having reasons to cry. Because when you’re alone, nobody can make you sad. Being single, I feel as if I’m breathing fresh air everyday, all the fears and negative emotions are gone. Of course there were many moments when I’d thought, ‘How nice would it be to have him with me right now’, but I’m sure as time goes these moments will become less..”

“So how much have you adjusted to this new life of being single?”

“It was very difficult in the beginning few months, I didn’t know who to talk to at the end of the day when I reached home from work. But slowly I realized, there are actually many friends who would listen to you if you try to reach out to them. These days when I feel like talking to someone, I’d pick a person on my phone list and give them a call just to say hello and ask how they are doing. Life does not and should not end after a relationship

We’ve now managed to maintain as good friends. Once a week we would meet up a few hours just to enjoy the nice company of each other, without all the unhappy moments.

From this relationship, I learned that nobody can and should change anyone to shape the relationship to the way they hope it to be. Don’t expect your partner to change for you, the only person you can change is yourself. If you’re not happy in a relationship, the relationship ultimately won’t be a happy one, so it’s important that you find out what makes you happy and whether you can find it in your relationship. After all this is your life, and in the end it’s up to you to decide how you want to live your life.”

Sometimes Forever

Watched Disney Pixar’s latest animation “Up” the other day, the saddest first 10 minutes of a movie I’ve ever seen. I’m still amazed at how they managed to put so much sadness in that short span of time, cos tears just kept streaming down my cheeks throughout that 10 minutes.

There were a lot of deep meanings embedded into the movie, things like reaching out to strangers, building relationships, learning about life’s impermanence, letting go of loss and moving on, rediscovering and redefining your own meaning of life, very mature topics for a family oriented animation.

Is it naive to want a life long relationship with another person as depicted in the movie? Maybe it’s just me, but I was really envious of that virtual couple.

Maybe some are lucky, some are not, and some like me, who just don’t know how his luck will turn out yet.

Love Letter

This is my letter to you, my love. And in case anything should happen to us before we leave this island for good, this will be my last as well.

We knew each other through a personal website, the moment I saw your pictures there I told myself I’d be forever happy if I could be the boyfriend of yours. And this is still true even now, my desire for you only increases as days go by.

On the fateful day of 8 Feb 2008, I took a bus and traveled 6 hours to meet you for the first time. Along the journey I was nervous and excited, I couldn’t wait to reach my destination.

When I arrived, you looked right at me and I saw for the first time those mesmerising blue eyes of yours. You wore a nice smart polo with a black hand bag surrounded with chains, what an interesting combination I thought. Your perfume filled my nose, and I was already captivated. As you spoke, I heard the slight accent in you, it gave you such an adorable personality.

In the taxi on the way to your place, I couldn’t wait to talk more with you, to learn more about this stranger that I’ve barely chatted before. You told me many things about yourself, your history and what you were looking for. You said you were tired of all the short dates and hoped very much to be with someone for long term relationship, and how it’d be better if we stop meeting other guys when attached so as to reduce any distractions. I then said, “This may sound cliche, but that is exactly what I’m looking for as well”. And so we hugged for the first time by the window, I couldn’t resist being close to you, as your eyes continue to draw me in..

What happened next was the most wonderful first meeting I’ve ever had, I knew I’ve already fell in love with you even before you hinted me to ask you the question, to which you said “Yes”. For the first time in my life, someone I like so much agreed to be my boyfriend, I was so happy I was beyond words.

We postponed our dinner that evening until we finally surrendered to hunger and decided to head down to the foodcourt nearby, where you introduced me to your favourite BBQ chicken rice. That first dinner of ours maybe simple, but it would be forever etched into my mind as our first dinner date.

When it was time for me to return to KL, you accompanied me to the bus station, and you stood outside the bus all the time until the bus started moving. I saw you looking back at me, smiling and waving. My tears dropped and could never stop. At that moment, I promised myself I would come back to see you again no matter what.

And we met again over several weekends, as I miss more and more of you everytime I leave. Until one day I called you over the phone to tell you the decision that I’ve made – to quit my job in KL and try to look for a job in SG, so that we don’t have to travel back and forth to see each other anymore. You asked if I was serious, I said I was, and I’d try my best to find a job.

So not long after, I left KL and headed into my new life in SG, a life I could never imagined to have before.

In the beginning of the job search, I was hopeful, sending out hundreds of job applications. I stayed at home, while you went out to work. As time went on, when there were still not many interviews to be had, I started to feel worry. The days at the house when you were away working felt longer and longer, and it made me feel lonely and useless. I started to feel scared, scared of not being to find a job here, and scared of having to leave you because of that. But you never stopped giving me encouragement to continue on.

That was when you asked me to join you for your trip home to France, I felt incredibly honoured and excited, to be able to go to Paris, the city of love, with the person that I love so much. I was a bit embarassed for not having any money to contribute to the trip, but you said it’s ok. I gave in and never looked back. I had the most wonderful time in the trip, as I met your family, friends and colleagues. I was fascinated with everything there, and I felt really lucky to be able to be part of your life.

When we came back to SG, my job search finally took a fortunate turn and I found myself getting offer from two companies at the same time! I was so dialated with joy that I couldn’t wait to tell you the great news, especially after all the 2 months we were worrying. I promised myself that I’d buy you everything that you want when I have the money, because you’ve given so many gifts to me when I was jobless.

Days go by, as we start to get used to living the life as a couple. When we first met, you told me, “A relationship is always pink in the beginning”. True enough, we were very nice with each other in the beginning for a long time, but the day finally came when we had our first argument, and I was surprised to find that we could have such a strong disagreement with each other. But I told myself, now that I know what causes the argument, I’d try to avoid it next time.

But things never happen the way we always intended, we got into more fights and arguments as time went on, and our relation started to get strained, but unfortunately I wasn’t wise enough to notice that this was starting to take a toll on you. As I grew to get used to living with you, more and more I depended on you for my social interactions. Everything I did, I tried to do it with you, because I got so comfortable to being just with you that I thought I didn’t need to interact with other friends. I didn’t know this strong attachment to you had started to have a negative reaction on you, that left you feeling suffocated.

At one point you started to complain about your job, I didn’t realised it was the start of the problem. I tried my best to encourage you to look for new jobs, but it didn’t go anywhere, and you continued to stay at your old job, not knowing that this too was starting to put a heavy toll on you, as you continued to feel more and more frustrated and bored. Having been in SG for so long, some of the less pleasant cultural characteristics here in SG were also starting to annoy you, as you grew bored as well of this place. You started to want to go travel more, and while budget sometimes was an issue, I was really glad to help plan the various trips we eventually took.

One day you asked me if you could go to the East Malaysia to meet your friend without me, I was both shocked and scared, because it never occured to me that you’d want to leave me to travel with other friends. I resisted the idea strongly and naturally due to my jealousy, but you explained to me that you needed your own space from time to time and I shouldn’t feel scared or jealous. I tried my best to understand your need and decided it was better to let you go for the trip, because you’ve never lied to me so far, and I could not bear to lose you.

Fast forward a year later, I found myself in the same situation again, except that this time many little things have ended taking a big toll on you and you felt very pressured, on top of my strong attachment to you and my showing of jealousies over the other guys who desired for you. Fearing more and more of losing you, I became heavily emotional and this further aggrevated you. I found myself kept having to apologise because everything I did seem to make things worse.

My sweet heart, words could not describe the love that I have for you. After going through so much, I have come to learn a lot, and I continue to want to go to sleep caressing you and waking up next to you and kissing you every morning.

I love you, and I miss you.

He’s Just So Into You

Phew, been a while since I wrote anything here!

Life has been busy, really busy, either that or I just got so lazy that I couldn’t even hold any meaningful thoughts in my mind long enough to write them down. Yes, work and married life do these to people. Wait did I just say..? Uhm never mind.

So.. no prizes for knowing which movie I’ve just watched based on the title. And no prizes either for knowing that I loved the movie, enjoyed all the jokes, cried a bit at the really romantic bits, and saw myself been in all those pitfalls of relationships depicted in the movie. How predictable I have become! But that’s me alright. The self-proclaimed romantic who in real life is just someone who wishes he was actually that romantic, and as wise in relationships.

These days I realized life is really just an incredibly tangled piece of yarn, full of contradictions, joy, pain, yes, no, maybes.. that in the end when you thought you’ve figured it all, you realized that you actually don’t know anything at all (boy I really couldn’t have put it any more vague can I :-)).

And oh, if anything that’s changed lately other than losing my coherency in writing a proper diary, it’s that I’ve been gaining weight! By the gods it’s true, I’ve gained 7 kgs more or less since I arrived on this island. Either food here is genetically enhanced, or age has really been catching up on me. I am beginning to see signs of “unclefication” on myself, especially on parts that I’m not too proud of! So for the first time in my high metabolism life, I am actually thinking of going on a diet!

After all, I still need that six-pack, for all I know that might be the only thing I’ve got left in the end ;-)

The bells are ringing

It’s that time of the year again, because I’m beginning to see the white, red, green, silver, gold.. (you get the idea) decorations everywhere.

But funnily enough, I won’t be spending this coming Christmas and New Year at my new home here on this island, instead I chose to go to the bigger islands at the far east, a place where I’ve been longing to go for a very long time. The birth place of some of my favourite singers, cartoon/comic characters, food and etc.

And then I found out some of my friends are planning to visit this island around the same period, which sucks cos I won’t be here to meet them then. But anyway, the flight tickets have been paid, the hotels have been booked, the visa has been prepared, too late to turn back now :-P

Watched Madagascar 2 yesterday, was absolutely a laugh-out-loud affair, love the adorable, wisecracking animals!

But otherwise life is pretty ‘normal’. I’ve always told my friends, the environment here is very conducive in creating a routined life, which is good in a way, but once in a while one yearns a bit of adventure. And probably that’s why I’m spending my Christmas in the far east!