This is my letter to you, my love. And in case anything should happen to us before we leave this island for good, this will be my last as well.
We knew each other through a personal website, the moment I saw your pictures there I told myself I’d be forever happy if I could be the boyfriend of yours. And this is still true even now, my desire for you only increases as days go by.
On the fateful day of 8 Feb 2008, I took a bus and traveled 6 hours to meet you for the first time. Along the journey I was nervous and excited, I couldn’t wait to reach my destination.
When I arrived, you looked right at me and I saw for the first time those mesmerising blue eyes of yours. You wore a nice smart polo with a black hand bag surrounded with chains, what an interesting combination I thought. Your perfume filled my nose, and I was already captivated. As you spoke, I heard the slight accent in you, it gave you such an adorable personality.
In the taxi on the way to your place, I couldn’t wait to talk more with you, to learn more about this stranger that I’ve barely chatted before. You told me many things about yourself, your history and what you were looking for. You said you were tired of all the short dates and hoped very much to be with someone for long term relationship, and how it’d be better if we stop meeting other guys when attached so as to reduce any distractions. I then said, “This may sound cliche, but that is exactly what I’m looking for as well”. And so we hugged for the first time by the window, I couldn’t resist being close to you, as your eyes continue to draw me in..
What happened next was the most wonderful first meeting I’ve ever had, I knew I’ve already fell in love with you even before you hinted me to ask you the question, to which you said “Yes”. For the first time in my life, someone I like so much agreed to be my boyfriend, I was so happy I was beyond words.
We postponed our dinner that evening until we finally surrendered to hunger and decided to head down to the foodcourt nearby, where you introduced me to your favourite BBQ chicken rice. That first dinner of ours maybe simple, but it would be forever etched into my mind as our first dinner date.
When it was time for me to return to KL, you accompanied me to the bus station, and you stood outside the bus all the time until the bus started moving. I saw you looking back at me, smiling and waving. My tears dropped and could never stop. At that moment, I promised myself I would come back to see you again no matter what.
And we met again over several weekends, as I miss more and more of you everytime I leave. Until one day I called you over the phone to tell you the decision that I’ve made – to quit my job in KL and try to look for a job in SG, so that we don’t have to travel back and forth to see each other anymore. You asked if I was serious, I said I was, and I’d try my best to find a job.
So not long after, I left KL and headed into my new life in SG, a life I could never imagined to have before.
In the beginning of the job search, I was hopeful, sending out hundreds of job applications. I stayed at home, while you went out to work. As time went on, when there were still not many interviews to be had, I started to feel worry. The days at the house when you were away working felt longer and longer, and it made me feel lonely and useless. I started to feel scared, scared of not being to find a job here, and scared of having to leave you because of that. But you never stopped giving me encouragement to continue on.
That was when you asked me to join you for your trip home to France, I felt incredibly honoured and excited, to be able to go to Paris, the city of love, with the person that I love so much. I was a bit embarassed for not having any money to contribute to the trip, but you said it’s ok. I gave in and never looked back. I had the most wonderful time in the trip, as I met your family, friends and colleagues. I was fascinated with everything there, and I felt really lucky to be able to be part of your life.
When we came back to SG, my job search finally took a fortunate turn and I found myself getting offer from two companies at the same time! I was so dialated with joy that I couldn’t wait to tell you the great news, especially after all the 2 months we were worrying. I promised myself that I’d buy you everything that you want when I have the money, because you’ve given so many gifts to me when I was jobless.
Days go by, as we start to get used to living the life as a couple. When we first met, you told me, “A relationship is always pink in the beginning”. True enough, we were very nice with each other in the beginning for a long time, but the day finally came when we had our first argument, and I was surprised to find that we could have such a strong disagreement with each other. But I told myself, now that I know what causes the argument, I’d try to avoid it next time.
But things never happen the way we always intended, we got into more fights and arguments as time went on, and our relation started to get strained, but unfortunately I wasn’t wise enough to notice that this was starting to take a toll on you. As I grew to get used to living with you, more and more I depended on you for my social interactions. Everything I did, I tried to do it with you, because I got so comfortable to being just with you that I thought I didn’t need to interact with other friends. I didn’t know this strong attachment to you had started to have a negative reaction on you, that left you feeling suffocated.
At one point you started to complain about your job, I didn’t realised it was the start of the problem. I tried my best to encourage you to look for new jobs, but it didn’t go anywhere, and you continued to stay at your old job, not knowing that this too was starting to put a heavy toll on you, as you continued to feel more and more frustrated and bored. Having been in SG for so long, some of the less pleasant cultural characteristics here in SG were also starting to annoy you, as you grew bored as well of this place. You started to want to go travel more, and while budget sometimes was an issue, I was really glad to help plan the various trips we eventually took.
One day you asked me if you could go to the East Malaysia to meet your friend without me, I was both shocked and scared, because it never occured to me that you’d want to leave me to travel with other friends. I resisted the idea strongly and naturally due to my jealousy, but you explained to me that you needed your own space from time to time and I shouldn’t feel scared or jealous. I tried my best to understand your need and decided it was better to let you go for the trip, because you’ve never lied to me so far, and I could not bear to lose you.
Fast forward a year later, I found myself in the same situation again, except that this time many little things have ended taking a big toll on you and you felt very pressured, on top of my strong attachment to you and my showing of jealousies over the other guys who desired for you. Fearing more and more of losing you, I became heavily emotional and this further aggrevated you. I found myself kept having to apologise because everything I did seem to make things worse.
My sweet heart, words could not describe the love that I have for you. After going through so much, I have come to learn a lot, and I continue to want to go to sleep caressing you and waking up next to you and kissing you every morning.
I love you, and I miss you.
