It has been nine months since I last wrote something here, during which period I’ve been slowly transitioning into my second phase of life in Singapore.
The change has been long foreseen, but it took its time to take its course, because I was in love with someone who was also very in love with me. But I guess in the end we realized love is really not everything, there are some things in life that are worth giving up love for – true happiness.
Love is a brutal creature, somewhere somehow sometime there will be hurt done to someone, and from it comes pain. We can’t avoid love, as much as we can avoid the pain, it’s how we deal with them that makes all the difference.
There is no denying that there are still a lot of love and pain in me, despite the fact that we’ve separated for almost 3 months. Days go by easier when I don’t think about the things that I’ve lost – the love of my life, my first cat, my first home that I called my own, our crazy adventures together. All these, I’ve begun to learn to keep them dormant in a corner of my mind, trying my best to prevent myself from re-visiting them, especially during the moments of intense loneliness, which I have the tendency to get from my introvert nature.
Abandonment is a strong word, but that is often the feeling that I felt. I haven’t cried as much since the separation, but recently certain events triggered the feeling of abandonment, and like an opened floodgate, all the emotion laden memories came rushing back. And I’d inevitably find my eyes rolling with tears.
Yet, not everything is lost. The 2 years of relationship taught me a lot of things, I learned the many facets of love, the virtues of being together, and human nature. Even though I realized in the end that there are some things about myself that I just couldn’t change despite of being wiser, acknowledgement is always the first step. I remember something that I’ve said a few years ago before I was in my first relationship, “Don’t let a relationship become a cage”, and ironically enough, it was exactly what happened – I caged myself, along with the one person who I’ve loved more than myself. Love was supposed to set us free, not the other way round.
So in a way, we uncaged ourselves by separating, but the love and experiences that existed between us will always be there forming the invisible bond. I have to admit, there is a fresh air of freedom returning to singlehood, but it also reminded me of the many miserable years of singlehood that I’ve had before the relationship. Perhaps now that I’m (supposedly) wiser it’d be different, or perhaps it’d be just another case of same shit, just different place and time, lol.
I’ve never really had experience dating in Singapore since I went straight into a relationship when I moved here 2 years ago. But now that I’ve been through a few months of trying, I realized that there can be many opportunities here if you look hard enough, but perhaps even more importantly, if you yourself look the part enough as well. There are too many guys here with great body and looks, so much so that if you’re not up to the average standard, it can be difficult to get any notice, especially if you only go after caucasians, who are far less in number than the locals, and hence has much more options. I think in average they get 10 times more messages on any online dating sites than what I’d ever get, so often I have to ask myself what makes me special compared to the rest of the flock who look tanner, fitter and cuter than me?
What easier way to do your picking among the sea of options than to base on the obvious physical sex appeal? Who cares what you like or dislike, what shit you have been going through in your life, or what aspirations you have? As long as you know how to be hot and play the raunchy part well, you get yourself a date.
Don’t get me wrong, I love good sex as much as the next guy, but what happened to good old chats over drinks? Movie dates? I’m afraid all these have become the latest sacrifice to the new age speed dating, where sex is the main meat, and the rest are all but side dressing. When have we all become sex supremacists?
